Hey J., I know you've been
feeling down lately, thinking about how lonely and friendless and unloved you
are, but things will get better. You're better. As our mutual friend, Stuart
Smalley is often fond of saying "you're good enough, you're smart enough,
and dog gone it, people like you." You should really trust his advice. He
is a senator, after all. People have to like him or he'll lose his job.
Sure, you're going bald and your
arms are super skinny, but you have a lot of good qualities. I mean... You're
good at poetry--tons of high school students are forced to read your love song,
and some actually enjoy it. Um...You've got a really good personality. Very
deep and introspective. Any woman would be lucky to have you, and if they
don't, that's okay.
Being alone is not so bad.
You've got nobody to impress except yourself, you don't have to pay for
expensive dinners, you don't have to deal with jealousy or infidelity, you
don't have to buy a diamond ring that probably comes from child slave labor in
Africa, you don't have to deal with in-laws. you won't get stuck with an crying
baby, you can go to see the movie you want instead of sitting through some
boring chick flick, really, the benefits here are endless.
And about the mermaids--forget
them. If they don't want to sing to you, that's their loss. Really, it's kind
of a blessing, things would never work out between you and them. They're
narcissistic, high maintenance, and they get really mad if you buy them a
seashell bra for their birthday. I mean, if they want to go to jail for public
indecency, that's their own damn fault. No skin off my nose. Whatever. Besides,
your naughty parts won't even match up, so you're mostly stuck with holding
hands, which is hard since they're webbed, and kissing, which is not advised,
and their teeth are really sharp. Like a shark kind of sharp. Which rules out
something else they can do with their mouths... Anyway, mermaids make terrible
lovers, trust me on this one.
Try to feel better, good buddy.
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